I Can't Say It
by CSIslave
Summary: Why can't Ryan say what his heart feels? Can Troy love him enough to wait until he can? Troy and Ryan... this started out as a smut challenge, so FIRST TWO CHAPTERS CONTAIN SEXUAL CONTENT!
1. Encounter

Hello all my fellow High School Musical fans!

Well, a fair warning; there is sexual stuff in this chapter. As in this started out as a challenge to write a smut scene, but I wanted to make it into a story instead! So, there is some stuff in here that you should be warned about.

I've never done anything I wrote about in this story, so it's basically just going by my creative feelings here, not experience. It may not be the most accurate thing in the world, but hey, you get the idea!

I do have a lot more of this already written, but I wanted to just post this bit first and see if I get any positive feedback. So review and I'll post more!

* * *

**I Can't Say It**

_by CSIslave_

* * *

Chad hobbled over to Troy, his brown eyes furious.

"Troy, this is stupid. We can't just open tryouts. Anyone could just walk in here, and believe me Troy, not everyone can do what we do." Troy turned to his friend, frustrated.

"Look Chad, your leg is broken, and there's no way you can play. The last few people sucked, sure… but give it time, okay buddy?" Troy looked towards the double doors to the gym and saw the last person in the world he had ever expected. Ryan Evans was smiling eagerly, walking into the gym in his usual button up polo and matching hat. Troy jogged to him before Chad could notice the outfit and dragged him back into the lockers.

"Ryan… you want to try out to fill in for Chad?" Troy blushed, realizing how disbelieving he sounded. Ryan either didn't notice or pretended not to.

"Yeah, why not?"

"Well, that's not exactly the right gear." Troy reached behind Ryan, tossing him his spare jersey. "Suit up and I'll see you out there."

Troy licked his lips anxiously, watching as Ryan trotted out onto the court tugging at the jersey. Troy had to admit, Ryan looked incredibly sexy in it, and 'BOLTON' printed across the back of it made Troy's heart race. He glanced over at Chad, wondering if he had noticed the blush that Troy could feel burning his cheeks. Troy had known he was gay for about five months. Gabriella had asked him out, and the second he had said yes he felt nauseous. They'd had their date and then she had tried to coax him into her bedroom. Troy had felt disgusted, appalled; nothing he should have felt. He had run out her house, breathing hard and thinking even harder. He rested at the park, staring quietly at the stars. A couple walked by, not noticing him. Troy stared at them and realized that they were two boys, holding hands and gazing into each other's eyes. Without even thinking, Troy imagined himself walking along with another boy. Startled, Troy thought about that. He hated a lot of things about girls, come to think of it. He hated the way they emotionally destroyed each other without a second thought. He hated the way they batted their eyelashes and the way they squealed when they were excited. What's more, Troy had always thought that a boy at their school was beautiful, angelic even. He had never imagined it might be because he had a crush on him. But now, five months later, there was no doubt in Troy's mind that he was in love with a boy… the boy now standing in front of him, blonde hair falling into his eager eyes.

Troy drilled Ryan, who surprisingly knew everything he was talking about. Finally, Troy challenged Ryan to a one-on-one game. Ryan's eyes sparkled mischievously as he faked left, and then drove hard to the right, sinking the ball. The game was intense, the boys staring at each other just as hard as they were focusing on the game. In the end, Troy came out on top, but just barely.

"All I can say is holy shit, Ryan! You're amazing! You're in." Ryan shook his hair out of his eyes, grinning at Troy.

"Thanks." Troy stared at him for just a little too long, then turned away, blushing. Chad groaned.

"I'm heading home, Troy." Troy nodded, turning his attention back to Ryan.

* * *

It was past midnight when they finally stopped practicing. They had the whole school to themselves. Troy's dad had pulled a few strings so that Troy could train their substitute for Chad. Their footsteps echoed as they walked to the showers.

"I'm really impressed, Ryan." Troy felt his jaw drop as Ryan took off his shirt, revealing a muscular body that Troy would have never imagined on such a delicate looking body. He gulped, staring. "_Really_ impressed." Ryan grinned his thanks, stepping around a corner to grab a towel. Troy slapped himself, trying to get the current thoughts out of his head. Troy forced himself to stare at the ground as Ryan got into the showers. Troy followed him, stripping off his clothes as he went. "So, Ryan, it'll be great to have you on the team for a little bit." Ryan didn't say anything, his back turned to Troy. "You're really good… maybe even better than Chad." They both knew this was a lie, but Troy couldn't stand silence. He wanted to say something, anything that would make Ryan respond. He watched Ryan's perfect body as the water ran down it and the words fell out.

"Ryan, are you gay?" Ryan stopped rubbing the soap down his chest. He turned, staring callously into Troy's eyes. Troy blushed furiously, trying to forget the fact that Ryan was completely naked.

"Why do you want to know, Troy? No gay guys allowed on the team?" He crossed his arms.

"No, not that at all."

"Then what, Troy?" Ryan stared hard, his every sense aware. Troy had already hurt him enough the past few years by ignoring his existence; he refused to let him have the upper hand here as well. Troy just squirmed uncomfortably, and Ryan's eyes drifted downwards. He tried to stop the blush from spreading across his face.

"Oh." Troy stepped forward, and Ryan couldn't pretend anymore. He couldn't pretend he didn't want to know what it felt like to run his hands through that perfect hair, to kiss every inch of that beautiful body.

"Ryan… I think you know why I asked." Ryan grinned, stepping towards Troy.

"You like me, don't you?"

"Ryan…" Troy moaned, his eyes pleading, his body tense. Ryan laughed lightly.

"Troy Bolton, hm? Who would have ever imagined it?" He stepped closer, dragging his finger gently along Troy's chests. "How can I trust you here, though?"

"Ryan, I've known you for ten years, loved you for five months, and I'd do anything for you." Ryan stared at Troy, shocked. Troy may have been the most popular boy in school, but he was the last person in the world who would use the word 'love' lightly.

"In that case…" Ryan whispered, his lips dancing over Troy's, gently brushing them. Finally, their lips pressed gently together, which quickly turned into a deep and passionate kiss. Ryan's hand wandered down to Troy's erection, rubbing it gently as Troy moaned into Ryan's mouth. They stumbled together, lips never parting, as Troy slammed Ryan into the wall, the water pouring down their naked bodies. There was so much raw passion, the air seemed thick with it; Ryan had loved Troy for years, and Troy had never felt as strongly about someone as he did about Ryan. Troy's body quivered, and Ryan grabbed his shoulder, flipping him around and shoving Troy into the wall. Ryan dropped to his knees, licking up Troy's inner thigh slowly. Troy's breath was shaky. His fingernails raked down the tile walls, his lips being covered with drops of water from the showerhead as he threw back his head moaning in ecstasy. Ryan gently licked his head, teasing him. Troy moaned again, and Ryan took all of him into his mouth, his penis pounding against the back of his throat as he moved up and down the length of it with his tongue.

"Oh god, Ryan… oh my fucking god." Troy whimpered and screamed Ryan's name as he orgasmed, his whole body going weak. Ryan rose, cradling Troy in his arms as they both fell to the floor, the water now cold as it pounded them. Troy turned to look at Ryan. He smiled, his eyes still hazy. Ryan laughed and kissed his nose lightly.

"What?"

"That was my first time." Ryan laughed again, but they both knew what it meant; everything changed now. Even if they never spoke again after this moment, they would both remember each other forever. Ryan rocked Troy to sleep, staring at his face. Ryan had absolutely no problem with purely sexual relationships; it didn't bother him. But something about Troy… maybe the fact that he'd loved him for years, maybe the fact that they could never forget each other if they tried… but Ryan wanted an actual relationship with Troy. He could never ask for that, though. He'd have to leave it up to Troy.

* * *

"Troy… Troy." Troy's eyes slowly slid open and he saw Ryan smiling gently at him. Looking around him, he recognized Mrs. Darbus' room.

"Morning, Ry. What time is it?"

"Five. Hope you don't mind I dressed you. Didn't want any of the teachers to see you in your birthday suit," Ryan teased, pulling on his jeans. Troy sat up and walked over to him, kissing him gently on the lips.

"I meant it, you know. I really do think I love you." Ryan smiled. "Listen, Ryan… do you want to get some dinner after practice today?" Ryan raised his eyebrows.

"What if you see someone you know?"

"I'll just tell them I'm going over some techniques with you. Please?" His eyes were hopeful, a timid smile on his face. Ryan sighed, shoving his shoulder gently.

"You should know by now that I can't say no to those eyes." Troy laughed and took Ryan's hand in his own.

"Come on. Let's go downstairs and put in some more practice before school starts." Ryan nodded, knowing that this was probably the only way they would ever hold hands; alone.


	2. A world of pain

A/N: Yay! positive feedback! anywho, this chapter is rather long, and I do have a bit more prepared, so hope you enjoy this part! (it explains some stuff from before, for those of you who were kinda curious about Ryan's actions and the title of the story)

oh yeah, there's more graphic stuff ahead... and then that should be it for a while.

* * *

**AFTER SCHOOL**

Ryan and Troy were sweating, their bodies aching. Practice had been brutal. They showered down with the rest of the team, careful not to look at each other. A repeat of last night with all the other boys around just didn't sound like a good situation to either of them. Ryan casually tossed Troy a towel as they got out of the showers, glancing at him. They both dried off as slowly as possible, and soon they were the only ones in the locker room. Immediately, Troy kissed Ryan.

"God, I've been wanting to do that all day. You have no idea how hard it was to see you in the halls, in class… and not be able to just be with you!"

"Actually, I know exactly what that felt like," Ryan laughed. Troy kissed him again. "Easy there, tiger. I missed you too."

Troy stared out his car window at the Evan's house. "So I'll pick you up at seven?" Ryan nodded. "Is Olive Garden okay with you?"

"Um, Troy… people may not really get why you'd choose to go over basketball tactics with me at Olive Garden, don't you think?" Troy laughed, gazing tenderly at Ryan.

"Who would go to the Olive Garden that we know? Honestly, Ry. Trust me on this. It'll be my treat."

"Sounds like you're getting pretty serious about me, Mr. Bolton." Ryan loved teasing Troy; the blush, the embarrassed grin, the wide eyes as if he couldn't believe what Ryan was saying. Troy took a deep breath and Ryan was instantly worried he'd said something wrong. "Troy, I was kidding."

"But Ryan… I am. You know. This is all sort of new to me… the actual being with you part, not the loving you part. And, well… last night wasn't all that I want us to be… you know? Do you actually want a relationship? Like, a real one… do you get what I'm saying?"

"Are you asking me to be your boyfriend, Troy?"

"Um… yes? Yes… I am." Ryan grinned widely when he heard the hope in Troy's voice.

"I'll see you at seven." Ryan gently kissed Troy's lips, sliding out of the car and walking towards his house. Troy leaned over, yelling out the window.

"Is that a yes?"

"What do you think?" Ryan nearly dropped his bag laughing as he heard Troy shout 'all right!' Troy honked once as he drove off, and Ryan watched him until he disappeared from view.

* * *

Troy couldn't stop grinning. He glanced at the clock in his car; only an hour before he went to pick up Ryan. Leaning over to roll up Ryan's window, he noticed a black hat on the passenger seat, a black hat he had often seen on top of Ryan's head. Laughing softly, he put it on and ran to his house to get ready.

* * *

Ryan stared at his reflection in the mirror. He had never really thought of himself as good-looking in any way. But now… Ryan looked into his own eyes. Troy made him feel… different. He made him feel happy. And while he refused to tell him, Ryan loved Troy with all his heart. Ryan had loved Troy since the first moment he had seen him shoot a basketball in first grade. Ryan hadn't known his name, his favorite candy, or anything that seemed important at that age. All he knew was with that one look of determination shining in the boys' eyes, he wanted to know him. At first this love was pure admiration and a bottomless desire to become his friend. Soon, though, he wasn't the only one who noticed the boy, and he heard his name being whispered in the hallways.

"_Troy Bolton_…" Second grade came, and Ryan discovered that Troy was in his class. Every year, he would think of a reason not to approach Troy and get to know him. They were in the same class every year, and by sixth grade, Ryan was positive that he was gay. He had zero interest in girls and complete interest in Troy Bolton. Unfortunately, by that point, so did the rest of the school.

Ryan ruffled his hair a bit, trying to evaluate where he was now. He didn't regret the night before in the showers. His only thought had been to make Troy happy… but then, he realized that he also wanted to see if it was more than lust. Sure, Ryan had thought he'd loved this boy for eleven years… but what if it turned out that it was just pure physical attraction? Ryan knew now… the way his heart was racing, soaring… it was so much more than that. He studied his outfit again, knowing that Troy would be there any minute. Ryan had never really considered himself superstitious at all, but now more than anything, he wanted his lucky hat. Panic flashed through him as he realized he had no idea where it was. The doorbell rang. Sighing, Ryan ran down the stairs to answer it. Troy stood there, a huge grin on his face and Ryan's hat cocked over one eye.

"Hey." Ryan couldn't stop staring. He couldn't believe that his amazingly attractive person in front of him wanted him, Ryan Evans. Troy's blue eyes were sparkling. "What, nothing to tease me about?" Ryan shook his head. "Well, that's a first." Troy tipped back the hat, gently kissing Ryan, who kissed him back, the full meaning of reality hitting him. His dream for eleven years was now standing on his doorstep, and Ryan was playing hard to get? He stepped aside, welcoming Troy in. "Wow… nice house." Sharpay had been inviting him here for years… he never dreamed he'd actually end up there, especially because of his love for her twin brother.

"You ready to go?"

"Well, Ry… Olive Garden was full. So, I can go home… or we can do something else." Ryan stared into his blue eyes, heart aching to speak the words he swore he never would again.

"Anything as long as I'm with you." Troy laughed.

"Someone's become affectionate in the last hour."

"Hey, that's not fair. You know I kinda like you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Ryan kissed Troy gently. "You just want to hang out here? Everyone's out. Come on, it'll be fun. I'll cook and I'll make you watch a movie and you'll pretend to really like it." Troy laughed, sinking into the white couch in the living room.

"How 'bout we skip the part where you cook and we just cuddle?" Ryan scoffed, resting his forehead against Troy's.

"What would the school say if they knew Troy Bolton was a cuddler?"

"Yeah, yeah… what would the schoolsay if they knew who I loved?Go pick a movie I haven't seen." Ryan stood, walking over to his movie collection and cocking his head to the side to read the titles.

"Chicago."

"Seen it."

"Moulin Rouge."

"Love it."

"Well, that's just too bad… we're trying to expand your horizons here." There was a silence.

"Ry, I hate to break it to you, but that was one of the worst Darbus impressions ever."

"Oh, shush. RENT?"

"What's that about?" Ryan froze in disbelief.

"You… are a sinner. We're watching this!" Ryan put it in and sat next to Troy. "I can't believe you haven't seen this!" Troy turned to Ryan abruptly.

"Does it bother you that I tell you I love you?"

"Of course not." Troy hesitated, as if he wanted to say more, then turned to face the screen. "What's wrong, Troy?"

"Nothing." He smiled a little at Ryan. "Really. I'm fine."

They watched the movie in silence, up until "Without You." Ryan remembered sobbing and sobbing as the song played, wanting the very poison which had sealed his heart off back in his system. A tear slipped from his eye and immediately Troy was wiping it away, kissing Ryan's forehead.

"Are you okay, Ry? Is it just the song?" Ryan ruffled his hair.

"I'll tell you someday when you're older." Troy laughed, but didn't take his eyes off of Ryan until the song ended.

As the credits rolled up the screen, they both stretched, yawning.

"That was good. Really, Ry. Thanks for making me watch it."

"Yeah, well, just remember… I'll never dress like Angel. Not even for you." Ryan crawled on top of Troy, who pulled him down into a kiss.

Half an hour later, Troy sat up. Both boys' shirts were off, their hair wildly tangled.

"Ry, I should get home. We have school tomorrow… but I don't want to leave you," Troy breathed, his eyes searching Ryan's face.

"I'm sure if we could have our way, we'd both stay here forever. But hey… if you can't sleep, call me… okay?" Troy rose, grabbing his shirt and pulling it over his head.

"I love you, Ryan." Troy stared intently at him.

"Goodnight, Troy." Ryan tried to ignore the pain that flashed across Troy's beautiful features as he shut the door.

* * *

Ryan was just preparing for bed when his phone jingled. Reaching for it, Ryan saw that he had a text message.

_I don't want you to say it unless you mean it_.

Sighing, Ryan dialed Troy's number.

"Hey, Ry."

"Troy, it's not that I don't… you know. But I'm never going to say it again, not until I know I really mean it and I really want to. Don't take it personally, okay? I need you so much…" there was a silence. "Troy?"

"Are you a virgin, Ry?" Ryan laughed out loud.

"Troy!"

"What! It's been bugging me! Well, are you?"

"No, I'm not."

"Oh." Troy sounded disappointed, and then he forced cheerfulness back into his voice. "Well, are you going to make a bed time story out of it, or what?"

"Troy…"

"Come on, please?"

"I didn't want to do it, okay? The end," Ryan snapped. There was a shocked silence.

"You didn't have to tell me that, Ryan… oh my god."

"Geez, Troy. If I didn't tell you, I would have felt like I was lying. And now that I have, I feel like I'm begging for attention, which I'm really not." He sighed, running his hands through his hair. "You realize that I've liked you for eleven years? Since first grade… Troy, shit, say something. You there?"

"Ryan… I'm so sorry. I'm being so pushy, and we hardly have known about each other's feelings for a whole day yet, and I just feel so…" Ryan heard a sigh and a sniff. "Ryan, can I see you? Please?" Ryan glanced at the clock. It was almost midnight.

"Of course."

"Meet you at the park?"

"Yeah… I'll be there soon." Ryan thought he heard a sob before the phone clicked. Ryan set it down, twirling around and running through his door, not even bothering to grab a coat.

* * *

Ryan found Troy sitting alone on a bench, tears glistening on his cheeks in the pale moonlight. Ryan approached quietly, staring at the most popular boy in school in ruins. Troy suddenly looked up at Ryan, his blue eyes watering.

"Troy, what's wrong?" He stood, extending his hands out towards Ryan. Ryan placed his hands and Troys and found himself immediately pulled close to Troy's chest.

"It's all my fault that that happened to you. If I hadn't been so stupid… if I realized that I loved you earlier… oh shit, Ry." Troy sobbed into Ryan's hair, stroking it repeatedly.

"God, no, Troy! If I hadn't… felt this way about you, I might have stayed with the asshole."

"Please… tell me what happened, Ry." Ryan and Troy sat together, Ryan biting his bottom lip nervously.

"I've never told anyone I was raped, you know." He smiled sadly at the stars. "His name was Chris. Her was a junior, and I was a freshman. He sort of looked like you… everything but the eyes. I was tired of being alone, and wanting nothing but you. So when Chris asked me out… I decided to settle. We dated for about a month, and I did have feelings for him… just never as strong as they were for you." He gulped, unable to meet Troy's gaze as he went on. "One night, we were alone at his house…"

* * *

**_Chris smiled at Ryan, rubbing his hand across Ryan's thigh._**

**_"I love you, Ryan. Do you love me?" Ryan's stomach churned. He knew he could never love anyone else as much as he loved Troy, but he didn't want to hurt Chris' feelings._**

**_"Of course." Chris grinded his lips roughly against Ryan's, whispering in his ear._**

**_"Say it."_**

**_"I love you." Ryan stared at Chris, confused. Chris reached down, ripping off Ryan's belt. "Chris, what-" he slapped a hand over Ryan's mouth, yanking his pants off. He ripped Ryan's shirt off of his chest, and then kneeled on him, pinning him to the couch as he removed his own clothing. He flung Ryan to the floor, getting on top of him._**

**_"Chris, stop it! I'm only fourteen and I don't want to fucking do this! Get off!"_**

**_"Shut the fuck up, Ryan!" Chris spat, his eyes furious. "You said you love me, now just shut the fuck up!" Ryan pleaded, tears coming to his eyes, but Chris just covered his mouth again and thrust inside of him. Ryan screamed and kicked as Chris thrust into him again and again, moaning with sick pleasure. Ryan hit his back again and again, and Chris slapped him. Chris was twice his size, and when Ryan didn't stop fighting, Chris wrapped his hands around Ryan's neck, continuing to thrust deep inside him, squeezing until Ryan didn't move anymore._**

* * *

"God, Troy… you have no idea how hard it was to see him at school for the next few months. I would just run into the bathroom and throw up. But then one day at the end of freshman year, I saw Chris walking down the hallway, smirking at me like it was my fault. And I was about to run, like normal… but then I saw you walking right behind him Chris walked right up to me, even had the… fucking balls to say hi. Then you stood next to me and asked me about a science project that we had to do. Chris left. You didn't. And after that… I just wasn't afraid of him anymore. Whenever I saw him, I just pictured you and everything felt okay."

"God, Ry… I wouldn't have been able to do it if I was you. Why did you keep doing it? I would have…" Troy shook, sobbing again.

"Troy, I couldn't have killed myself. I thought about it… but I didn't know what I'd do without you." Ryan smiled, kissing Troy softly. "If anything, you saved my life. In more ways than one."

Ryan squeezed his eyes shut, clinging to Troy's shoulder like it was the only thing keeping him on the ground. They both had tears running down their cheeks.

"Don't you get why I can't say it now, Troy? It was like I'd said 'go' or something. Like that told him that I wanted that. I just haven't been able to say it since that night. And I don't think you'd ever do something like that… but I just can't." Ryan kissed Troy again, but Troy couldn't do anything but cry.

"I still feel like it's all my fault, Ry…"

"Troy, never think that. Remember, the only reason I didn't kill myself afterward was because I knew that I couldn't live without you, and a world of pain was worth being able to see your smile every day, even if it wasn't for me. Remember that, okay?" Troy nodded, holding him tight.

"So… in the showers…" they both blushed in the darkness, wiping away their tears.

"I was just going by instinct. I just wanted to make you happy." Troy laughed.

"There are other ways to make me happy, ways which require much less effort on your part."

"Oh yeah, Mr. Hot Shot, and what would those be?"

"Just stuff like this… just being with me." They kissed each other again, the tears finally stopping for the first time in what seemed like hours.

* * *

For the next month Ryan was on the team, there was an unspoken agreement: they didn't pay much attention to each other around their peers, every day after practice they went to Ryan's house or out to dinner, and while Troy told Ryan he loved him every day, Ryan never said it back. They fell into this pattern with ease, the days becoming blurs of kisses and loving looks. Neither of them could remember being happier in their lives.

Then Chad healed and their perfect world was gone before they had a chance to say goodbye to it.

* * *

Please remember to review... even if it's just like a smilie face or something, cause I'm really timid about this story... so yeah, thanks for reading! 


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